OUTTAKES
MAN VS. WILD: THE FAERIETALE ADVENTURES
EPISODE 1:
THE PRINCE: "Good afternoon! I'm your host-- though I doubt I have to introduce myself, all of you most certainly know who I am and--"
DIRECTOR: "Stay on the cards!"
THE PRINCE: "Oh. Right. Anyway, I'm going to show you all the things you SHOULDN'T do if you want to stay alive in the forest! Here's the first clip from Catherine's and my very, very extended stay out there."
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CATHERINE is crouched over a large pit. We can see, barely, the tips of THE PRINCE'S fingers as he scrabbles madly to get out.
CATHERINE: "You dug that trap. Half an hour ago. HOW DID YOU FALL INTO IT?!"
THE PRINCE: "Is now really the time for questions?"
Catherine: "Yes!"
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THE PRINCE: "Obviously, the lesson to be learned from that is always, always be aware of your surroundings. Which brings us to an incredibly important sidebar about poison ivy."
CATHERINE (off-screen): "Show the clip from that one!"
THE PRINCE: "I would rather not, thank you. The less said about that entire episode, the better. Suffice to say, it is the most evil plant to ever exist. Please stop snickering, Catherine."
CATHERINE: **falls over laughing**
THE PRINCE: "Hmph. Next clip, please."
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THE PRINCE walks up to CATHERINE, beaming proudly, his hands full of dark purple berries.
THE PRINCE: "Look what I found!"
CATHERINE: "Deadly poison?"
THE PRINCE: "It's . . . these aren't really deadly, are they?"
CATHERINE: "How many did you already eat?"
THE PRINCE: "In my defense, the poison is quite tasty."
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THE PRINCE: "Which is why it is best to always carry a copy of this book--" He holds up a copy of How To Not Kill Your Idiot Self by Eating Poisonous Plants, by The Seven Dwarfs. "-- if you're going to be out in the woods for longer than five minutes. Though why you would want to be out there for longer than that is beyond me. . ."
DIRECTOR: "On. The. Cards."
THE PRINCE: "All right, all right. Next clip, please."
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CATHERINE stares at THE PRINCE as he tries, incredibly unsuccessfully, to rub two sticks together and start a fire.
CATHERINE: "This is amazing. I have no hands and I'm more suited to be out here than you are."
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THE PRINCE: "I still believe that comment was quite unnecessary."
CATHERINE: "Is 'unnecessary' your new word for 'true'?"
THE PRINCE: "I got the fire started, didn't I?"
CATHERINE: "THERE WAS A THUNDERSTORM AND LIGHTNING HIT A NEARBY TREE. YOU CANNOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT."
THE PRINCE: "WE WERE ABLE TO COOK OUR FISH AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS."
CATHERINE: "Ah yes, speaking of the fish. Let's go to that clip."
THE PRINCE crosses his arms and pouts.
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THE PRINCE comes through the trees to their small, sad little camp, grinning and holding two fish.
THE PRINCE: "Look what I caught! I just stood in the water for a few minutes and they swam right by my feet!"
CATHERINE takes one look and bolts the other direction.
THE PRINCE: "Catherine? Catherine, they're not poisonous! I don't think. Why are you running?"
A loud roar has him turning to face an epically large bear.
THE PRINCE: "Oh. That would be why."
The bear roars again, standing up on its hind legs.
THE PRINCE: "Nice large toothy animal. Want a fishy?"
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CATHERINE: "And how did you get out of that one?"
THE PRINCE: "I fainted."
CATHERINE: "Louder please?"
THE PRINCE: "I fainted. And I'm sure you would have too, if you hadn't taken off."
CATHERINE: "Rest assured, I was planning to come back and avenge your death."
THE PRINCE: "That's such a relief. Really. You have no idea."
DIRECTOR: "Would both of you just read the damned cards?!"
CATHERINE: "Ahem. This last clip showcases the fact that no matter how hungry you are, some kinds of food are never worth going after."
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THE PRINCE comes into camp, his eyes swelled nearly shut and red welts all over his arms.
THE PRINCE: "I found honey!"
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CATHERINE: "Overall, it was a fun time, though, wasn't it?"
THE PRINCE: "My first thought would be 'incredibly painful', not 'fun'."
CATHERINE: "Oh, I don't know." She moves closer to him. "It had its moments."
THE PRINCE: "That it did."
DIRECTOR: "There is no kissing in this script! This is supposed to be a survival documentary! Can we please focus? I-- oh, to hell with it."
FADE TO BLACK